Someone asked me recently, what's the most irrational thing people do repeatedly? While there might be many answers, one that stands out is criticizing our significant other. Didn't I ask you not to leave the empty cup here? Didn't I ask you to bring a different kind of butter from the supermarket?
Now, why is this so irrational? Think about all the times you've criticized your significant other. How often has it resulted in them saying, “You're absolutely right, and I'll change my ways from now on.” My guess is that our collective success rate in changing behavior through criticism is close to zero. Yet, amazingly, we keep doing it.
Despite experiencing a very low success rate, we persist in this behavior. This is what makes it irrational—it flies in the face of our experience. You'd expect that after repeatedly seeing negative outcomes, we'd learn to stop. But that's not the case. The desire to criticize isn't about improvement; it's about expressing some concern or frustration.
Criticizing doesn't achieve its intended goal and likely makes things worse. If I had to name this phenomenon, I'd call it slow dosage relationship poison. It's not an immediate killer but a slow-acting toxin that gradually worsens the relationship. Not only does criticism fail to bring about positive change, but it also makes our partners feel worse and more defensive.
Let's try to stop this behavior—easier said than done, but worth the effort.
