Today’s topic is romantic love, and I want to share some thoughts on what causes us to underperform in this area and how we might improve. The first principle I propose is that the intensity of love between two people tends to be similar. Yes, one person might love a bit more than the other, but it’s rarely extremely lopsided. Over time, people generally reach a comparable level of love for each other. If you disagree, let me know.
The second principle is that every relationship has a range of possible love levels. Imagine a scale from 0 to 100. On any given day, you might feel you’re at a certain point on this scale, but there’s always potential to move up or down. If one person leads in showing more love, the relationship can improve and move up the scale. Conversely, if one person shows less love or exhibits negative actions, the relationship can deteriorate.
Pushing down is easier than pushing up. Complaints and negative behaviors can quickly lower the level of love in a relationship. Many of us might find ourselves at the lower end of this range because it’s easier to focus on faults and shortcomings rather than positive aspects. Therefore, we often underperform in our relationships.
To improve things, someone has to take the initiative to push up. It’s easy to think that our partner should be the one to make changes, especially if we feel we’re already doing our best. However, it's essential for each of us to take responsibility for improving the relationship.
Lastly, I want to suggest that the perceived range from 0 to 100 might not be accurate. The downside can be much worse than we imagine; fights and conflicts can escalate beyond our expectations. Similarly, the upside potential is likely much higher than we think. If you believe your maximum level of love is 100, consider that it might actually be 200 or higher. This means there’s a vast potential for improvement if we actively work on pushing up.
In summary, relationships involve relatively equal levels of love between partners. It’s easy to push down but harder—and more rewarding—to push up. The possible range of love is much greater than we usually imagine, offering tremendous returns if we strive to enhance our relationships continuously.
So let's commit to pushing our relationships upwards and discovering just how much better they can become.
