Today's topic is giving and receiving, or giving and getting. Which one is easier and which one is harder? I started pondering this during a month-long hike in Israel, where many generous people offered me a place to stay. Although I planned to sleep outside, I ended up being hosted by kind strangers almost every night. They would invite me into their homes, feed me dinner, and provide a comfortable place to sleep after a long day of hiking.
In the mornings, my hosts would often offer breakfast and suggest I stay longer to chat. Despite their kindness, I usually declined, opting for just a coffee before heading out. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy their company; they were wonderful people. But I felt like a burden, thinking they had their own lives to get back to and that my presence was an inconvenience.
While hiking, I had plenty of time to reflect. What if the roles were reversed? If I were the host, would I want my guest to leave quickly or stay for breakfast and conversation? I'd definitely prefer they stayed longer so we could spend more time together. So why did I feel like a nuisance when I was the guest?
I realized that when someone does me a favor, it's hard for me to understand their enjoyment from it. I assume they're just fulfilling an obligation. But when I do favors for others, I fully appreciate the happiness it brings me. There's a gap in perception: we can feel the joy of helping others but struggle to see the joy others get from helping us.
This gap leads me to ask for very few favors personally. Even though I've thought about this deeply and suspect I'm underestimating the joy others get from helping me, the feeling persists. When we do something for someone else, we experience two sources of joy: the satisfaction of helping and the empathy we feel from seeing their happiness.
Conversely, when we're on the receiving end, we don't sense these joys as strongly. We don't feel like we're contributing by accepting help, nor do we fully grasp the giver's pleasure in assisting us. This built-in bias might be something we should work on overcoming—practicing not only doing favors but also graciously receiving them.
Maybe someday I'll research this further. If I do, I'll let you know.
