Today we will talk about money and asking people for money. I don't mean raising money for a startup. I mean asking somebody we know for financial help.
Somebody recently approached me for help. When I considered my answer, one question that came to my mind was whether it is more difficult to ask or to give. Of course, giving depends how much you have, if you have a lot, it may be easier to give. If you have a little, it may be harder to give.
I thought about a time when I was hiking, quite a few years ago, on the Israel National Trail. Something really special that I learned during that hike, is that people who live near segments of the trail offer hikers a place to stay. I remember very vividly the feeling of going into somebody's house after a day of hiking, completely covered in dirt with not so clean hiking shoes, and they would very generously give me a towel and show me to the shower. Afterwards, we’d share a dinner and conversation. And then I’d be given a bed with fresh sheets.
The next day I’d wake up to an offer of breakfast. But I always felt that I was a burden. I understood that to some degree they were probably happy to host me. I mean, they offered. But in the morning, I would often say, “I don't want to trouble you with breakfast, I'll just take my backpack and leave. Thank you so much.” These hosts put in so much effort, care, and time.
But then, I happened to be on the other side of this transaction when somebody somebody stayed with me and I basically wanted to be an excellent host. I enjoyed it. I wanted them to have a nice dinner and I wanted them to have breakfast and I wanted them to have fun. I was proud and happy to to cook for them. And as I was treating my guest, to what I hoped was very nice stay, my guest expressed that they felt they were burdening me. I recalled how I felt the same when I was in their role. And I realized that as a host, I just wanted to give.
Could it be that guests actually estimate that they are a burden when, in fact, the host does not feel burdened. There is some bias here. Maybe the burden bias—that when we impose cost on people, the cost is so clear to us that we think that it's high.
So let's go back to the other question. Is it easier to ask for a favor or to do a favor?
The people who give favors give up something: they give time, they give money, etc. The giving is very clear. The people who ask for help are forced to acknowledge some weakness or deficit. They need to acknowledge some difficulty or challenge.
I came to the conclusion that I think that we underestimate how difficult it is to ask. I think it is not easy to ask for help or for a favor. It's difficult and complex. When somebody asks, I think we should consider much more carefully, because if they had to overcome the barriers to asking, it is actually very important.
So what did I decide? I decided to help the person. I think it was a good decision. I decided to help in a way that, I hope, also made the person feel good about asking .
So here’s to a more balanced view of asking and giving. And in general, it could be so much more wonderful if there was more giving and more asking.
